Presented by Lil Blume
Tuesday, January 29, 2002

Workshop Overview
Defensiveness—What Is It?
What Happens After You Respond Defensively?
What Should You Do?

Workshop Overview

As teachers and humans, we are likely to have our lessons, opinions and policies challenged by others.  Defensive responses tend to hamper communication, invite more criticism and create resentment. 

This workshop was interactive (only a portion is summarized here).

Defensiveness—What Is It?

• It is a response—a reaction to feelings of being attacked.
• Both verbal and non-verbal messages can be interpreted as an attack.

What Might Cause Defensiveness?

Cognitive Dissonance:

• When the message received by the listener seems to differ from the listener's self-perception or self-presentation.
• You have a sense that the person is attacking your identity (which can also include your status, authority or competence). For example:
  • "Why did I get a B?  My friend wrote the same thing and she got an A."
  • Self-Perception—I mark fairly.
  • Received Message—You're unfair. You're immoral.

What Is Your Response?

Common Forms of Defensiveness

1. Discredit or undermine the speaker with verbal aggression or sarcasm.
2. Distort the message in your own mind so that you feel better. We do this by making excuses or stressing a positive area instead of responding to the perceived criticism.
3. Block the message by avoiding it, redirecting it or pretending you do not care.

What Happens After You Respond Defensively?

• Mirroring: the other person often responds with a similar reaction:
  • if you are calm, they are more calm.
  • if you react, they escalate.
• Relationship: becomes more anxious, could become more competitive.
• Future Interactions: anxiety tends to increase even before the next encounter, which increases the likelihood of another defensive reaction.

What Should You Do?

1. Respond Calmly.

• If your first response is anger, stop.
• Defensive reactions give the other person permission to keep attacking.

2. Look at the Message.

• See the message as an indication of what is happening to the speaker.
• It is a comment on the speaker's state of mind, not necessarily a comment about you.
• "Criticism belongs to the critic until and unless you accept it."
• Acting defensively acknowledges that the person's comments have affected us, and that they have a right to judge us.

3. Check Your Perceptions

• It is important to ensure that you have the correct perception of people's behaviour before reacting.
• Describe the behaviour to the person, e.g.  "I noticed..."
• Indicate possible reasons for the behaviour.  This gives people the benefit of the doubt. 
• End with a question, i.e. "What happened?"

4. Seek More Information

• This will help you respond in an appropriate, constructive manner.
• Paraphrase. Validate the person and helps ensure you have the right perception, and it also buys you some more time. Hear --> Paraphrase (validate) --> Check that it is correct "Is that it?"
• Ask the person to be specific, i.e. "Exactly what is wrong?"
• Use a neutral tone of voice.  Avoid sarcasm.
• Offer your position, i.e. "Do you want to know what I think?"

5. Think Constructively

• Name the behaviour that is making you defensive.
• Explore reasons for the behaviour, i.e. "You seem very angry.  What is up?"
• Recognize where the person is coming from and try to be empathic.

6. Agree With the Critic If Appropriate

• Agree with the truth, but not the judgement
• Agree with the perception "I can see why you think that."

7. Identify Common Goals

• Try to find a shared goal (e.g. to maximize learning).
• Search for a shared solution, i.e. "I feel equally strongly. Is there any way we can collaborate?"

8. Avoid the Conflict—Sometimes

• This can allow people time to cool off, but it is important to make sure that you initiate the discussion later.
• "Remember the discussion that we had?  I just want to clear up a few items..."."

For more information, visit www.lilblume.ca